In which I get my violence on...

In celebration of the fact that I can now start making my reading pile smaller (I may see the floor in my bedroom yet!), a meme ganked from active_apathy a while back:

Which Five Fictional Characters Would You Punch In The Face? (and why?)

Right. *cracks knuckles*


1. Each and every character in Cracker (British series, not American remake). But because the fourth rule of Fight Club is "only two guys to a fight", I'll settle for the front man, criminal psychologist Eddie "Fitz" Fitzgerald.

Fitz psychoanalyses everyone around him. Loudly. This wouldn't be a problem if he hadn't been narratively positioned as always bloody *right*.

I particularly remember his evaluation of DCI Penhaligon, which basically amounted to, "the reason you're the way you are is because you were the only girl in your family and your brothers got to play outside while you stayed inside and resented them. Because you're a girl". And he was right. Because Fitz is a criminal psychologist. Fitz is always right. Asshat. Giving him a broken nose might earn me some claptrap about compensation and penis envy, but that just means I get to make cigar jokes at his expense.

2. For egregious misuse of the capslock and an overabundance of emo wangst in Order of the Phoenix, I punch Harry Potter.
(You wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you? No, I'd hit him with my fist! *boom, tish*)

(2a. And almost everyone in the last few chapters of Prisoner of Azkaban, but especially Snape. CAPSLOCK!RAGE strikes again. Seriously, guys, don't force me to break out those evil electric dog-collars that zap your voicebox if you speak.)

3. Kate from Lost (although Jack runs a close second). Since the pilot. When you've survived a plane crash only to be stranded on a mysterious island and things are looking bleak, and a crazy old guy who looks kind of unfriendly suddenly gives you an orange-peel smile, that's your cue to smile back, not to look as if he just bit the head off your favourite budgerigar. AND I HATE YOUR FLASHBACKS, TOO, so there.

4. Selene in Underworld. Drawing a gun at the drop of a hat and yelling swearing speaking at people in a forceful tone does not make you look tough. It just makes you look pissy. And cathartic violence is only cathartic when it's not your base state.

5. Danya in Holly Lisle's Secret Texts trilogy. The only character who is on this list because of brilliantly evil writing, as opposed to annoying the hell out of me. Danya does something so very, very bad in book two, and I was practically screaming at the page for her not to do it. Of course, she did it anyway, otherwise I wouldn't be wanting to give her a Liverpool Kiss.


Now, go ye and do the same. We make violence FUN!